Forgiving is not forgetting

“Forgiving is not forgetting.” –Pastor Rich Ajer

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the tragedy of September 11, 2001. As I see all of the posts, flags, memorials, and other signs of patriotism, I can't help but wonder if our insistence on remembrance indicates a lack of forgiveness.

The tragedy directed affected the thousands who perished that day and the many more thousands of family members and friends of those who perished. The tragedy also indirectly affected the rest of the world. Friends of the friends and families, acquaintances, and coworkers all saw the grief experienced by those who lost loved ones. Americans as a whole felt personally attacked, citizens around the world undoubtedly felt the loss of their own country men and women who were lost in the towers and on the planes. Military members felt the attack on the Pentagon.

And what about the aftermath? Muslims and Middle Eastern people were blamed and viewed with suspicion regardless of the fact that the vast majority of them not only had nothing to do with the attacks but couldn’t even fathom the possibility of doing anything of the sort. The outpouring of hatred toward a race and religion was unlike anything that had been seen on U. S. soil since the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.

Thankfully, we have learned much since the days of WWII and our Middle Eastern and Muslim citizens were not treated with the same disrespect as the Japanese Americans were, at least not on a large, government sponsored scale. The same may not be true in individual cases or small communities.

The injury to our people, our hearts, and our communities was great. But instead of breaking the American spirit, the tragedy created more community. Americans pledged more allegiance to their nation; community groups were formed; Americans were given another day to celebrate our freedom. But, a decade later, have we healed from the hurt of that day? Healing takes a long time, and it does not happen without effort on the part of the injured. When we break a bone, the bone needs assistance to heal properly. We apply a cast and allow it to rest. A cut is stitched and bandaged. What do we do for an injured heart?

I think the only way we can truly heal from the injury and insult of 10 years ago is to forgive those who caused the hurt. Forgiveness is a tall order, and likely much easier for me than for someone who lost a loved one in the tragedy. But it is probably more important for those who were directly affected.

To forgive is to end the resentment, anger, and hatred toward those who caused the injury. Some parts of that are easier: anger fades over time, hatred lessens. But resentment is something that we have to actively let go of. It is easy to hold on to resentment for a very long time. Resentment can be over something big or small. We resent the person who got the last serving of prime rib. We resent the person who won the heart of the one we loved. We resent ourselves for choices we made in the past. We resent God for allowing our loved ones to become ill or to pass away. We resent those who stole our loved ones and our security on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Letting go of resentment takes a lot of work.

So now, as we remember the loss of life and the loss of security we experienced, as we see the increased security measures we take every day to protect ourselves from future attack, we need to ask: Have we forgiven? Because until we forgive, are we truly healed? Or do those who harmed us so long ago still have power over us?

I think that on this day of remembrance, we need to remember not only those who were lost, but also work toward full forgiveness of those who hurt us. And while we support with compassion and prayer the families and friends of the innocent who were lost, we need to extend compassion and prayer to the families of those who caused the tragedy. We need to remember those who have lost loved ones in the battles that have been waged as a result of the attack, both American and foreign.

It is easy to forget about the innocence of the families and friends of our “enemies.” It is easy to hold on to the resentment of the attacks of the day. But it is much more peace granting and rewarding in the end to let go of the resentment, to forgive the wrong, and to love and have compassion for those at fault.

It is an ongoing challenge to continue to give up the resentments that pile on us and to forgive others, but only by doing so can we find true peace.

JLS

T-16 weeks and counting

So, once the Thanksgiving break week is figured in, I have 16 1/2 weeks until I head home to NY. I'm still holding out the wish that when I go, I could be taking my bean with me and not just for the Christmas holiday, but we have made the promise to her that she will remain in one school for the year and join my lady and I in June. Meanwhile, 3 weeks from today I get to take a quick trip east. It promises to be a wonderful weekend! Saturday night my lady and I will see Idina Menzel in concert with the Buffalo Philharmonic. But that is still 21 days away. So until then, I get up in the morning, have school all day, and then study and go to sleep. I felt so good after this morning's workout, I know I should include more of them in my schedule. I also probably need to sign up for some class or other one evening a week. It would be too easy for me to become a hermit. We'll see what I come up with. I cherish my weekends with my bean. We both start Sunday school this weekend. I have to say, I'm probably more nervous than she is. After the wonderful Vacation Bible School experience she had this summer she's very excited. I just hope that her dad will continue to take her to Church and Sunday School after the Christmas break. She's found a place there.

One more thought for the day. With the challenges presented to me over the past two weeks, I find myself drawing on a faith that I didn't realize I had. Maybe it has been there all along, or maybe I lost it and have found it again. Wherever it was, I'm glad it's here now. And, as my lady has eloquently provided me with a reference name, I know that "The Being which shall not be named" will take care of me and my family. And I struggle, because we aren't given a script, even though somewhere one exists. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I have to trust that the outcome will be that which is best for my child and family.

Sometimes being a grown up just plain sucks

The past year has been amazing! I know it has been a long time since I posted anything here, but I think it is time to start back up.

Yesterday I started the last semester of classes to earn my bachelor's degree. Yesterday I also accompanied my daughter to school... in another state. There's something inherently wrong with this. Yes, at some point, mothers bid a weepy "see you soon!" to their children as they go away to school, but this wasn't supposed to happen for another 9 years. You see, my daughter is not in college, she's only 9 and in the 4th grade. But this year, because I will be finishing and joining my partner and her son in New York in December, my daughter's father and I decided to allow her to spend the entire year in one school, and this means that she will be living at her dad's this year. This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

Sometimes being a grown up just plain sucks.

This is a tough break for a kid. No kid should ever have to go through the turmoil that she has seen in her lifetime. I'm not just talking about the last year since her dad and I split, I'm talking about growing up in a house where the adults just can't get along. I'm talking about seeing a dad (or not seeing a dad) because he's out of town or busy doing other things. I'm talking about seeing a mom just existing, because she's living a life that she chose because society expected it of her. No mother should ever have to hear the phrase, "Mom, I love it when you wake up happy!" or "Momma, you smile and laugh every day now!" coming from a surprised 7 year old child. Seeing her mom waking up happy and smiling and laughing every day should not be a surprise for a child.

Would I change a thing about my life? I have to say, "No." because if I didn't, then that would mean that I regret the choices I've made. And the choices I've made have brought me the people in my life that bring me the most joy. But I would leave this word of wisdom to those coming after me: Live your lives for yourselves. Don't bow down to society's expectations if they don't match your own. Take time for yourself and don't rush into becoming a grown up. Because, sometimes, being a grown up just plain sucks.